How important are men’s groups?

"Find a group of people who challenge and inspire you, spend a lot of time with them, and it will change your life forever."

–Amy Poehler

As we all know, men have met in small groups for millennia and the desire for men to get together in these small groups seems to be on the increase. I’ve written this blog post to explain what I see as the four reasons why men need to circle up, or group up, with other men. These are the reasons that I attend my men’s groups, and they are reasons inferred to me from many men, so I am conflating that it is similar for the majority of men.

In a later blog I'll talk specifically about the optimum size of men's groups, between 5 and 12 men, and I’ll explain how I don’t believe that it’s a coincidence that early images of hunting parties depict groups of a similar size. And this demonstrates, I believe, that there is an optimum group size in which men can effectively communicate.

But for this post I’ll stick to what ‘needs’ and ‘desires’ a, well run, men’s group can fulfil.

Number 1: Connection

It's very important for me, in fact, it's been critically important for me, so I make up that it’s important for other men to find a place where I can feel safe to connect with myself.. To really connect with what's going on for me and to be able to express that to others, that's first and foremost. It’s also important for me to find a place where I can connect with other men. When I connect with other men it reminds me that I am not alone in the world and that people may have a shared experience similar to that of mine. 

Number 2: Challenge 

Not only do I want a place that helps me face challenges and helps me develop ways of overcoming obstacles in my life. But I also want a place where I can, and will be, challenged. Challenged on how I show up in the world. Challenged on my behavior. I want a place where I can challenge other men on how they show up in the world, on their behavior. I want that because that sense of challenge creates an environment of healthy fathering where I will carry you when you need to be carried, where I will push you when you need to be pushed, and I can expect the same from you. 

Number 3: Contribution 

I want to feel like I'm contributing to the lives of other men. I enjoy the feeling of being in service. You know that saying about no gift being given freely? That's what this is. By contributing to the lives of a small group of other men, and them contributing directly to mine, we are creating healthy interdependence, we are creating a sort of community capital, which can be exchanged. It means that I am invested in your life  and you are invested in mine and that creates an intimacy, it creates a pack.. We need each other because we contribute to each other. It means that I turn up to get something and to give something and that keeps me coming back. 

Number 4: Celebration 

The fourth and final reason I think that men enjoy going to men's groups so much is celebration. I make up a story that it's difficult for men to publicly celebrate themselves, and also to publicly celebrate other men. So by creating this small intimate group where we feel safe to celebrate ourselves, and to celebrate others, we allow celebration into our lives. By seeing another man willing to celebrate themselves, that gives me permission to do the same. So as well as being a place where I can get connection, challenging contribution it becomes a place where I can actually see celebration, and celebrate myself, the things that are working for me. We all need some rewards right?

So there you have it, my four reasons why I and, I believe, other men join men's groups. 

Connect. Challenge. Contribute. Celebrate.

The 4C’s.

If you are in a men's group, and you're not getting those four elements from it, then check back as I'll put some other posts together looking specifically at how you can encourage those four elements into your men's group.