Say What You Feel: The Power of a Simple Emotional Palette.
“If you can’t name it, you can’t tame it.”
– Brené Brown
Men are not great at talking about emotions. That is not a personal flaw, it is a learned behaviour. We were taught to keep things to ourselves, to “man up,” to push through rather than process. So when we finally do speak, we often disguise our emotions with words that soften or complicate them. Instead of saying we are afraid, we say we are anxious. Instead of saying we are angry, we say we are agitated. Instead of saying we are sad, we say we are off.
But here is the problem. When we complicate emotions, we make them harder to understand, both for ourselves and for others. The more words we use, the easier it is to hide what we actually feel, even from ourselves.
That is why I suggest keeping it simple. Just five core emotions.
Anger
Sadness
Fear
Joy
Shame [not technically an emotion, but I will be writing a blog post on that soon]
That is it. Five.
When you strip it down to this basic palette, something powerful happens. First, people understand you more clearly. Second, you are forced to admit what you actually feel, instead of hiding behind a softer or more socially acceptable version of it.
The Problem with Complicating Emotions
Imagine a friend asks how you are feeling, and you respond with:
“I’m a little agitated.”
What does that actually mean? Is it frustration? Annoyance? Resentment? There are a hundred shades of agitation, but they all fall under anger. When you say agitated, you are keeping it vague. But if you just say angry, the meaning is clear.
Another example. Let’s say you are about to give a big presentation, and someone asks how you feel. You say:
“I feel really anxious.”
That could mean a lot of things, but at its core, anxiety is just fear. And saying “I feel afraid” is much harder to dodge. It is also easier for others to relate to. Everyone has felt fear.
Why Simple Language Makes You Stronger
1. People Understand You Instantly
When you use simple, direct emotional language, there is no guessing game. If you say you are sad, people know exactly what that means. If you say you are afraid, no one needs to decode it.
Compare that to saying you feel overwhelmed. That could mean sadness, fear, or frustration. It is vague. But if you strip it down and say “I feel afraid,” the message is clear.
2. It Forces Honesty
Softening emotions makes it easier to avoid them. Saying “I’m irritated” feels safer than admitting “I’m angry.” Saying “I’m stressed” is easier than saying “I’m afraid.” But the more we avoid calling emotions what they are, the harder it becomes to deal with them.
Naming an emotion is the first step to moving through it.
3. It Makes You More Emotionally Resilient
Men who simplify their emotional language develop greater control over their emotions. Why? Because they stop getting lost in unnecessary complexity. Instead of feeling uneasy, restless, uncertain, and on edge, they recognise they are just afraid.
That clarity allows them to do something about it.
The Five-Core Emotion System in Action
Anger vs. Frustration, Irritation, or Resentment
Instead of:
“I feel irritated.”
“I’m frustrated.”
“I’m a bit annoyed.”
Say:
“I feel angry.”
Sadness vs. Lonely, Numb, or Disappointed
Instead of:
“I feel off.”
“I’m a bit down.”
“I just feel disconnected.”
Say:
“I feel sad.”
Fear vs. Anxious, Stressed, or Overwhelmed
Instead of:
“I feel unsettled.”
“I’m nervous.”
“I feel really tense.”
Say:
“I feel afraid.”
Joy vs. Excited, Content, or Relieved
Instead of:
“I feel pretty good.”
“I’m in a decent mood.”
“I feel alright.”
Say:
“I feel joy.”
Shame vs. Embarrassed, Awkward, or Regretful
Instead of:
“I feel a bit off about it.”
“I’m uncomfortable.”
“I feel guilty.”
Say:
“I feel shame.” [More on this in an upcoming blog post.]
What Happens When You Start Doing This
At first, this might feel unnatural. You have spent years using a wider range of words to describe emotions, so cutting them down to five will feel limiting. But stick with it. You will start to notice two things.
First, you will feel more in control of your emotions. When you name an emotion properly, it loses some of its grip on you. Instead of getting lost in a swirl of vague feelings, you will be able to say, “This is anger” or “This is fear.” That clarity makes all the difference.
Second, people will start to understand you better. They will relate to what you are saying because you are speaking in terms everyone understands. You are not using complicated language to dance around what you feel, you are stating it outright.
That level of honesty is powerful.
Exercise: The Five-Emotion Test
For the next 48 hours, whenever you feel an emotion, stop and ask yourself:
Is this anger, sadness, fear, joy, or shame?
Am I using unnecessary words to avoid admitting what I feel?
What happens when I strip it down to one of these five?
Practice using this language with yourself first. Then, when someone asks how you feel, try responding with one of the five core emotions. See how they react. See how it feels to speak that directly.
This is not just about language. It is about getting honest with yourself.
And that is where real strength begins.
