Shame Is a Story, Not a Feeling.
“Shame is the story we tell ourselves when we believe we are not good enough.”
– Brené Brown
Think about it like this. A baby can feel anger, sadness, fear, and joy straight out of the womb. Crying when hungry. Smiling at a familiar face. Startling at a loud noise. These are hardwired into us. But shame?
A baby does not feel shame. A baby can sit covered in food for hours, completely at peace. A baby can run naked through the house without a second thought. No embarrassment, no self-consciousness, no shame.
Shame is taught. Someone, at some point, tells us we should be ashamed of something, and we believe it.
“That’s disgusting. Clean yourself up.”
“Boys don’t cry.”
“No one will ever love you if you act like that.”
At first, it is just words. But if we hear them enough—especially when we are young—they stop being something someone else said and start becoming something we believe. Shame becomes a filter through which we see ourselves.
The Hidden Weight of Shame
Here is where shame gets dangerous. Once we take it on as truth, we invest in keeping it secret.
Unlike anger or sadness, which we often express outwardly, shame makes us hide. We bury it. We tell ourselves no one can ever find out. We build entire personalities around avoiding the thing we are ashamed of.
And the longer we hold on to it, the stronger it becomes.
The man who was told as a child that crying is weak now prides himself on never showing emotion, but he wonders why he feels disconnected from his wife and kids.
The boy who was humiliated for failing in school now refuses to try new things as an adult because deep down, he believes failure is proof of worthlessness.
The teenager who was mocked for their body now avoids intimacy, convinced that if anyone really saw them, they would be disgusted.
Shame does not just sit inside us. It controls us.
The Dangers of Holding On to Shame
Shame unchecked is toxic. It warps how we see ourselves and shapes how we live our lives. Here is what happens when we carry it for too long.
1. It Keeps Us Small
Shame convinces us we are not enough. It tells us to stay quiet, stay hidden, and avoid risks because if people really saw us, they would reject us.
And so we stay stuck. We do not speak up. We do not take chances. We do not go after what we truly want because shame whispers, “Who do you think you are?”
2. It Erodes Connection
Shame thrives in secrecy. The more we try to hide it, the more it isolates us. We keep parts of ourselves locked away, afraid of being seen for who we truly are.
But connection—real, deep connection—requires vulnerability. And shame kills vulnerability. It convinces us we have to be perfect to be loved, which means we never let people get close enough to love us as we are.
3. It Fuels Self-Sabotage
Shame does not just sit quietly in the background. It drives our behaviour. If we believe we are fundamentally flawed, we will unconsciously create situations that reinforce that belief.
A man who believes he is unworthy of success will find ways to fail.
A man who believes he is not lovable will sabotage his relationships.
A man who believes he is weak will avoid challenges that could prove otherwise.
The mind will always look for proof of what it already believes.
Letting Go of Shame
If shame is a belief, not an emotion, then that means it can be challenged. It can be rewritten. Here is how to start letting it go.
1. Name It
Shame loses power the moment you bring it into the light. The things we refuse to acknowledge are the things that control us. Ask yourself:
What do I feel ashamed of?
Where did that belief come from?
Whose voice is behind it?
When you name it, you start to see it for what it really is—a learned belief, not a truth.
2. Question It
Most shame is based on lies. "I am unworthy." "I am weak." "I am not good enough." But just because we believe something does not make it true.
Ask yourself:
If my best friend had this belief, would I agree with them?
Who benefits from me holding onto this shame?
What would my life look like if I stopped believing this?
Challenging shame does not make it disappear overnight, but it starts to loosen its grip.
3. Speak It
Shame dies in safe spaces. It thrives in isolation but weakens when shared with people who see us fully and accept us anyway.
This does not mean telling everyone your deepest insecurities. But find one person—a friend, a partner, a mentor—who has earned the right to hear your story. Say it out loud. Notice what happens.
Nine times out of ten, the response is, “I get it. I have felt that too.” And suddenly, the thing that felt so unbearable feels lighter.
4. Act Against It
The final step in killing shame is proving it wrong.
If shame says you are unworthy, take an action that proves otherwise.
If shame says you are weak, do something that requires strength.
If shame says you do not belong, step into a space that welcomes you.
Shame is a belief, and beliefs are reinforced through action. You can rewrite the narrative.
The Freedom on the Other Side
When we let go of shame, we stop hiding. We stop living small. We stop letting an outdated story shape who we are.
We also stop judging others as harshly. Because once we realise how much shame has shaped us, we start to see it in others too. We understand that most people are not bad, they are wounded. And that kind of understanding changes everything.
Shame is not an emotion. It is a story someone else gave us that we decided to believe. But we do not have to believe it forever.
Exercise: The Shame Audit
Write down one thing you feel shame about.
Ask yourself, “Where did this come from? Who taught me this?”
Challenge it. Is this belief actually true, or is it just something I accepted?
Take one small action this week that proves the belief wrong.
You are not broken. You are not less than. The world may have convinced you of that, but you are not required to keep believing it.
It is time to let it go.
